I've noticed I've been talking a lot, obsessing, and unable to sit still for any length of time. This is all ratcheted up from my normal levels (I can be a talker, focused on things, and multi-tasking on a regular basis--but within acceptable levels). I miss my medication and how it takes me down quite a few rungs on the manic ladder and allows me to be a normal human being in the world. These last few days have been especially hard. The longer I am off meds the more I feel myself spiraling out of control in different ways. Today I'm talking too much; what happens tomorrow? Or next week? What about five-and-a-half months from now, which is the soonest I can get back on a medication regime. Even then, it is a slow build-up to a normal level and will take some time to find the correct dose. My previous dose might not work anymore, since my hormone levels are likely to be out of whack. Then I have post-partum depression to contend with. We have a plan to help combat it, but that doesn't guarantee anything. The last major depressive episode I had lasted for ten months. And it wasn't that long ago. I don't want to go through that again.
I've accepted that having a kid was going to mess me up mentally, just because all the things I use to keep me level are gone. I am on my own, and have to be so cognizant of my surroundings and what is going on in my head, that it wears me down. And usually I don't recognize that I'm extremely manic until a while later and I view the situation with "outside" eyes. It's a delicate balance and I'm learning everyday how to do it alone. I've been on medication since I was eleven; that was twenty years ago. And I've been completely off since September 2010. You can see how it is something I am freaked out about being without. I am trying every day to be aware of my surroundings, my mood, and what could potentially send me spiraling one way or another. But it's hard, and it gets harder every day. The further along in this pregnancy, the harder it gets. There are five months to go. And I am really not looking forward to them.
3 comments:
Shaine, I can't even try and understand what you are going through but I am so proud of you and know in my heart that you are going to get through this and be a great mom. I love you kiddo, let me know if you need anything.
Shaine, I can't begin to understand what you are going through. My heart hurts for you, and I admire you for being as strong as you are. My pregnancies were difficult. Very difficult--I would throw up 20+ times a day and ended up on bedrest with a host of problems. I remember thinking I was going to die; that I couldn't endure it any longer. No one warned me about post-partum (spelling?). I didn't realize the reason I was dreaming about drowning my baby until six months later. It was a personal hell. But--it was worth it. It really was. Even the months of no sleep, poopy diapers and smelling like baby puke were worth it. I can't imagine life without my little boys. All those babies that I lost--I would do anything in the world to be sick and miserable if I could have just held them. I know it is difficult now, but I pray you will see the sunshine through the clouds. Meanwhile, my dear friend, YOU are in my prayers always. I love you!
I say schedule walks and phone dates with your dear friends on the west and east coasts. :)
LOVE YOU!!!
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