i think i want a tattoo...

i've always been fascinated by tattoos; there is so much beauty and meaning to be found in (most of) them.  i've imagined what i would get, where i would get it...but i never did it. like so many things, the idea is more appealing than the execution and actuality of it for me.  and then i learned about project semicolon.  i am struck by the simplicity, meaning, and solidarity behind the movement.

when dealing with mental illness, it is so easy to feel like you are alone in the struggle.  it is such an isolating illness, and not one many feel equipped to talk about and help others through.  people don't establish "go-fund me" pages to help offset the cost of medical bills and support the one suffering through the illness.  there aren't a great deal of people who want to be around someone who is suffering from a mental illness.  depression isn't fun, people don't want to feel like they are being pulled into the swirling black cesspool that is mental illness.  mania can be fun, but it escalates to a level that most find uncomfortable after awhile.  

it is easy to feel alone and easy to feel worthless.  it is easy to feel like your family, friends, loved ones, and the world in general, would be better off without you in it.  the mental illness has physical ramifications to your body, and there are so many ways that manifests.  it is not always easy to "just take a walk," or "get out and exercise; the endorphins will help make you happy."

maybe that will work for some, but the vast majority of people need to know and feel comfortable with the idea of therapy and medication, even if they only need it for a short period of time.  people suffering from mental illness need love, support, and understanding.  they don't need you to be a therapist, they need you to be a friend.  they need you to encourage them to find a therapist that works.  and that might take visiting a couple to find one that works for you.  they need you to encourage taking the medication that will help them heal and feel better.  medication is there to correct the chemical imbalance in your brain and body; it is not a band-aid to cover up your deeper pain.  it is part of the treatment.

so yes, project semicolon has me seriously contemplating a tattoo, because these are my people.  i have bipolar disorder.  i was born with it, and have been diagnosed since i was eleven years old.  i have fought my way through darkness, i have struggled to find the balance that works for me.  as i get older, that balance changes, as my life changes, so does the way i need to deal with it.  life is fluid and evolving; so is mental illness.  it is never the same for your whole life.  it changes as you change.  i am not alone in my struggle.  i am so blessed to have parents that recognized the signs, took action, and helped me to grow, accept, and deal with it.  it was never a stigma.  it was never something that i was made to feel i had to hide.  my family dealt with it alongside me.  my brothers understand my "crazy" (in hindsight, mostly) and have a relationship with me, despite the way i behaved towards them when in the depths of my illness as a tween/teen.  was i to blame? no.  but they have an understanding towards me that i am grateful for.  they stand for me when i am unable to do it myself.  i am blessed with my aunts, uncles, and cousins who know my struggle and continue to love me, no matter how crazy a kid i was.  i was never segregated or treated differently than any of the cousins in my family--i was just one of them.

i am blessed with a husband who, even knowing what he was getting into at the beginning of our relationship, chose to move forward with me anyway.  he stands beside me through the dark periods (such as the incredibly deep clinical depression i suffered during our first year of marriage--no fun for anyone), and helps me to keep my balance in all things.  i have friends who tell me often how much they love me and do not let my struggles define me, but help me to see the triumphs of overcoming my hard times.  

i am blessed with these people in my life, and i know that i am one of the lucky ones.  one of the lucky people who suffers from mental illness, who has a support group, who has people all around me to care about me and who do not hesitate to speak up when they think something is wrong.  i cherish these people.  i know that not everyone has that.  mental illness is isolating, whether it is self-inflicted or people just don't stand with the one suffering.  it is heartbreaking to me when someone feels like they don't have the support they need, or refuse to seek treatment for their mental health because of preconceived notions of how mental illness manifests or that all they need is time and to take a walk.

there aren't a lot of ways i can support the mental health community.  i advocate for myself, i advocate for those close to me, i do not hesitate to share my story when appropriate.  but i like the idea of having a symbol that marks me as someone who can be trusted with a story, as someone a person can turn to for advice and empathy.  because at the end of the day, your mental health is your health, it is no different than if you were suffering from a heart condition, cancer, or physical ailment.  it is the hand you were dealt and should be treated with an eye to a positive outcome and a positive future.  there is hope.  and your story always continues, no matter what pauses come your way.  it is not up to you to end it, it is up to you to tell it the best you can.