Last night Lily had a meltdown. This one was different than the usual ones. She was crying that she didn't have any brothers or sisters, that she wanted one, and that it wasn't fair that she didn't have any. It broke my heart. It broke my heart to tell her that Kevin and I had planned for her to have a sibling...that we had wanted that for her and for our family. It broke my heart that I had to tell her that it was a miracle we were able to have a baby at all. It broke my heart that I couldn't give her what I grew up with...with what Kevin grew up with...a big family with lots of siblings you could remember things with and have shared experiences and traditions with. It broke my heart to tell her that my mental health and need for medication made it impossible for our family to be any bigger than it is.
But even as telling Lily all of this broke my heart, I was able to tell her how lucky her Daddy and I are that we have her...how thankful we are that we were are her parents and that she is our daughter. I was able to tell her that our family might look different than all of her friends and cousins, but we are perfect just the way we are. I was able to tell her that she is my miracle, and that there is no one in this world I would rather be than her Mama. And even though my heart was breaking, it was also filled with so much love and gratitude for this little girl who has a spirit bigger than her body and will go on to do incredible things and have the capacity for empathy and understanding because of the circumstances of our family.
I know this isn't the last time I will have to tell Lily why she's an only child. I know that as she gets older, her understanding will grow, her acceptance will increase, and she will find the friends that become her siblings throughout her life. I know that this isn't the last time my heart will break when faced with her sadness over not having siblings. I also know that no matter what, I will always make sure she knows how loved she is, how blessed I am to be her Mama, and that she is my miracle from a loving Heavenly Father. She will always be my Lily Bean, and she will always, no matter what, be the best part of my day.
