i was lucky enough to attend "
time out for women" in sacramento this past weekend. it was a fantastic time, full of laughs and an empowering spirit. there were a couple prevailing themes that seemed to crop up amongst the speakers throughout friday and saturday. they were all good, but the one that struck me the most was the topic of motherhood; especially those moments of talking about how we are the perfect mothers for our children. we are the mothers our children need, and they need us to do us, not "crafty mom," or "gourmet cook mom," if that is not who we are already. they just need us to be the best women we can be with our own skills and talents, and not worry about what other women are doing/being. we need to be us, and "us" is the mom our kids need.
i've always been worried about having kids; having bipolar just means there are so many more things to contemplate and steps that need to be processed before even thinking about getting pregnant. and then, well, once the kid is here, it's not like you have a return policy. it's a huge gamble and a giant leap of faith. but it's a leap of faith i took.
since having lily, i've worried a great deal that she got the shaft as far as her mother is concerned. i couldn't stay home with her--mentally it was too much and not healthy for me, so i went back to work. immediately life became so much happier and better for me. so there is one layer of guilt--what kind of mom am i that i was happier away from my child for most of the day? even though going back to work was a decision prompted by the spirit and accompanied with a great deal of prayer, and has ultimately been a huge blessing for our family, the guilt remained. it was guilt not from the spirit, but from my own vision of inadequacy--i was not doing what most of my friends from church were doing happily (mostly), and with a great deal of skill. i had a different road to take.
i am not a mom who is crafty and comes up with clever things to do with my child. i don't have a great deal of skill in that department. what kind of a mom am i? there aren't fun projects with lily, my fridge isn't covered with her artwork, and it's not likely to happen anytime soon. i'm just not that crafty.
there are a million and one ways that i feel inadequate, that maybe lily would be better off without me to ruin her life, that kevin would be better off with a wife who was a little more traditional. after all, i rely on medication, sometimes i can't handle lily's very normal two-year old moods and pass her off to kevin, who seems to be the king of kids. i constantly second-guess myself and feel like i am not one who will make wise decisions for her, and who will ruin her life in the long run. why did i even become a mother?
this weekend, listening to a variety of speakers discuss motherhood, and how we are all individuals with our own gifts and talents, and testimony of how we are not perfect people, but that we are the perfect moms for our kids, led me to re-evaluate my situation.
there has been nothing in my life that has not been guided by the spirit and confirmed with prayer, and that includes motherhood. the trials that i experience in my life, such as the bipolar, were given to me by Heavenly Father because he knew that i could handle that challenge in this life, and use it to strengthen myself, my family, and those around me. if Heavenly Father could give me this challenge, and then send me lily, then there is a reason. and it is not an accident i became a mother--it wasn't something i felt compelled to do because of society or judgmental things people said about me. it was a choice that i made with much pleading for assistance with the Lord.
i am a strong woman who follows the promptings of the spirit, and does the things i need to for my family. i believe in the saying "it takes a village to raise a child," because that is exactly what i need. i have my village, helping me raise lily to be the best woman she can be someday. i am the mom who finds fun outings for our family to do on the weekends so we can explore different places and learn new things. and while lily isn't fully grasping some of the finer nuances of our adventures, she is being exposed to them, so she will grow up with an explorers heart. i am the mom who lets her have a ton of freedom to do her thing. there are limits and she is (more or less) aware of them, but aside from that, she is free to do whatever--i am the mom who will encourage her independence, because it is important to be self-sufficient and have the confidence to try new things and not be afraid of failure or getting hurt.
there are so many other things that i am; but what it boils down to, is that i am the perfect mom for lily. she might have it a little tougher due to my mental health issues, but that is ok. it will teach her empathy, patience, and tolerance. she will learn and grow from me and i will learn and grow from her. i am not a perfect person, but i am her perfect mom, as long as i bring me to the table. that is all lily needs--for me to be me.
i know that
my trials are my test in this mortal life. i was willing to take them on when i lived with my Father in Heaven in the
pre-existence. they are part of His plan, and i have faith that all will be made clear in His time. these trials do not hinder me or make me less of a woman, less of a daughter of God, less than a wife, or less of a mother. they make me stronger in those roles, stronger in my life, and cause me to lean more heavily on the Lord and trust more in the
atonement and His abiding spirit, which only blesses me and my family, and especially my daughter.
lily did not get the shaft when it came to having me as her mother. the gifts and trials i have serve to make me the woman i am, which is the perfect mom for lily. as i strive to be the best i can be, and magnify my gifts, then i do not have to worry about the impact i have on lily. she will grow and become the strong, self-sufficient woman she needs to be in order to have the best life possible. those are gifts she will get from me.
