I went to the gym tonight. I've gone a few times in the past couple weeks, which is more than I've been in, well, months. For those who have known me for a long-ish time, know that I was pretty good about getting to the gym a few times a week. I know why I stopped going. It wasn't because I'm lazy, or to wrapped up the newlywed life. The gym is just one of the things that slipped away from me in the past year.
About the end of February/beginning of March 2010 I got kicked off the cliff by some events into a clinical depression. I got married, went on a honeymoon and spent the first nine to ten months of my marriage clinically depressed. It was not a fun time for anyone, least of all Kevin. I feel bad that our first year of marriage was pretty much a train wreck, thanks to my issues. There are a lot of things that I lost. I had to drop out of school because I couldn't focus on me and getting better and a grueling graduate program. It took everything to get out of bed in the morning. When taking a shower took all of my strength, then going to work part-time sucked the the rest of the energy out of me, and all I could do was go home and sleep for four to five hours until Kevin came home, the gym and the some of the rest of basic living was just beyond me.
I've been working and struggling to get me back. I miss me. I miss the me that was in charge and just did things. I just miss me. So, I'm working on getting me back. It's a process, and a struggle. When you spend that long lost in the dark and have to struggle just to get out of bed, then deal with the feelings of failure and despondency, you have to work hard to just to get some semblance of self back. You don't just wake up and find yourself back where you were before the plunge off the cliff. You have to climb up an inch at a time; sliding back down sometimes, regaining lost ground and then continuing with the climb back up. It isn't easy. And sometimes giving up seems like the easier thing to do.
I'm lucky to have a strong support system in Kevin, my parents, and my friends. It hasn't been fun for either of us. I feel bad that we were cheated out of a "normal" first year of marriage. Maybe the second will be more traditional. But I'm fighting every day to get me back. And getting back to the gym is just part of it.
5 comments:
1. If our lives get any more parallel you can expect to get unexpectedly pregnant next year. :-)
2. Maybe this should have been first, but you already know my freakishly-similar story, so hopefully you believe me when I say I completely understand how you feel. It's easy to get caught up in the "If onlys", and I did/do it a lot, but ever since a fabulous friend pushed me to see my doctor about anti-depressants, I've been doing much better AND Robb and I have had some amazing conversations. The point? For us, our year/2 years of super depressed me (and consequently, also-depressed Robb), sucked hard core. However, we - like you and Kevin - survived, and we've realized how much stronger our marriage is as a result. I didn't enjoy it, and I wouldn't wish it on anyone, but in a way, we're glad it happened, and especially early on, because we're a lot closer and we are better communicators, too. So I hope somewhere down the road you and Kevin discover ways in which the experience has blessed you.
3. WAY TO GO on getting out to the gym!!! It's so hard to drag yourself back out of the pit that is depression and go out and DO stuff. I'm trying to be really good about things like that (and I have the best motivation for it, too), but it's still difficult. So imagine me giving you a big hug every time you go. :-D
I LOVE YOU SHAINE!!!!!
Love you Shaine.
I'm so glad things are looking up for you. I love you :)
You might not believe this but I know too how you feel. I suffered from post-partum depression with James. A little with Jonathan too but I didn't really plunge off a cliff like I did with James. Jonathan's behavior still suffers from what it did to me. My weight and the pregnancy with Benjamin also suffered from it. I should have seen a doctor but didn't. It was a long slow climb out. This last February, I finally began to feel like me again (that's a 26 month struggle). Getting off facebook and joining weight watchers gave me the extra final push up. You've got an amazingly supportive husband and (believe it or not) an amazingly supportive group of in-laws. You can do it and it will get better. We love you and we're routing for you!! xoxo
Believe it or not I don't think that hardly anyone has a "normal" first year of marriage. What is "normal" really anyway? The first year of marriage was difficult and hard and hey, I did it twice because we ended up sharing a house with an older woman (and maybe I'm still doing it). That's just what it is. In any case, you are amazing and I'm glad things are looking up. :)
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